Okay so I decided that instead of trying to make these perfect blog posts complete with photos, caption, great narrative, etc etc I’m just going back to my stream of consciousness-style. Minimal editing, minimal effort, just getting it out there. One really great thing I learned about NanoWrimo was that sometimes the most important part of the creative process is to just get it out there, no matter how good or bad it is.
So after over a year of unemployment I started working. Well, it doesn’t really FEEL like work because I’m working from home. I now teach English to kids in China from the comfort of my own home, over webcam. This is truly the dream because I am basically living my most authentic life: wearing sweatpants and makup at the same time. I also HATE HATE HATE a long commute, and it doesn’t get much shorter than from my kitchen to the office. The kids are interesting, the job is interesting, and it’s finally made my love of languages in college make sense. I spent the better part of 5 years of my college career trying to make sense of what exactly is it about language that I was so drawn to.
I mean, I didn’t want to really LEARN a bunch of languages. I didn’t particularly want to analyze language to the point of using complete equations and other math based frameworks. I was interested in Speech Pathology, that much I knew. I was interested in when things fucked up, and how people learned to cope or the therapies that helped them. I didn’t have the grades for Speech path, so I just let that dream slide. It only took about 10 years of combined school and life experience to realize that I just like teaching English. So yeah… I take a while to learn shit about myself.
Okay, so with my new job came a new sense of self esteem. I know I don’t NEED to work to feel good about myself, but helping kids and making some money all helped give me a bit more purpose to my days. I’m also finding that Stockholm is starting to take on a familiarity that I haven’t experienced in a city besides Edmonton or St. Albert. Feeling that intangible notion of familiarity only took a year, and just in time to start the wind down to leaving. I thought that 2 years was going to be FOREVER, but I know now that 2 years is just enough time to get used to, and then get prepared to leave a city.
I don’t know if we’re going to stay an extra year, I don’t know if we’re going to go home in July, I really don’t know anything. Having kids and where we are going to live are both very tied to each other and I know if we were a lot younger than we are now the choice to stay or leave would be a lot eaiser. The truth is, I don’t know if my love of Stockholm will be the same with a new baby. I can’t even imagine being a parent so in the face of unfamiliarity I long for home.
If it was possible to just bring everyone I love here to Stockholm I would, but after a year living here the decision on whether to live somewhere I love or to live near those I love hasn’t gotten any easier.